If States Were People… This Would Be Their Health (STATE FAN-FICTION!)

Langston Jones: Kid Historian
5 min readJan 4, 2021

I decided how healthy some of the states would be and made lists of the five healthiest and five least healthy. I know this is extremely, extremely weird. It has nothing to do with presidents except that they are states, and presidents are presidents of the country they are in.


#1 New Hampshire (BMI: 20.6)

New Hampshire has broken the record for the most fit state and also the skinniest. He does good exercise and eats fruits and vegetables a lot. His two main ailments are g allstones and colds.

Health Score: 95

New Hampshire jogs with Vermont. The line that looks like a tail shows where it’s come from. This was New Hampshire’s fourth longest run (nine miles) and the longest run Vermont had ever done.

#2 Rhode Island (BMI: 22.5)

Rhode Island has the same two ailments as New Hampshire, but it also has MRSA, respiratory failure, smallpox, malaria, and pneumonia. It recovered from respiratory failure; it can breathe again. It only had respiratory failure for a day. It tries really hard to be healthy. It eats fruits and vegetables much more than New Hampshire does — 10 times a day — and spends 7% of its life exercising. Also it takes really good medicine so it doesn’t have many more bad ailments.

Health Score: 84

Rhode Island becomes the first state to beat Alaska in basketball. It’s amazing because RI is so small and AK is so big. The other states are shocked by RI’s win. It juggles winner balls (balls with a “W” that states get when they win basketball).

#3 California (BMI: 23.7)

California had a heart failure and pneumonia. She eats healthy food but eats mostly chocolate and ice cream on the weekends.

Health Score: 83

California learns a lesson not to eat too much chocolate and ice cream on weekends because, at the end of the weekend, CA has eaten 800 meals of chocolate and ice cream only and gotten a little overweight.

#4 Washington (BMI: 24.4)

When Washington was young, he had heart attack, pneumonia, and respiratory failure. He still has a few colds, but these days Washington is considered an extremely healthy state.

Health Score: 81

#5 Oregon (BMI: 25.7)

Besides being overweight, Oregon has almost nothing to worry about with his health. He eats fruit a lot and has chocolate on the weekends, like California (a lot of states in that part of the country eat chocolate on the weekend; it’s kind of a tradition). But, when he was young, Oregon wasn’t that healthy. As a child, he had lots of colds and a cerebral hemorrhage. But he takes lots of really good medicine and tries to be healthy so much that he ranks #5.

Health Score: 80


#1 Texas (BMI: 38.7)

Texas has lots of ailments, so we can get onto them right now…

  • He eats lots of unhealthy food and crackers and ice cream and chocolates. He doesn’t only eat unhealthy stuff. He also eats gross stuff, like unused toilet paper and wood. He got toxic mold when eating hay that Oklahoma had given him for horses. That’s how you get toxic mold: from eating hay.
  • After having a secret meeting with Louisiana, Texas caught covid-19. Coronavirus left him with gallbladder disease. When he recovered and had it removed, he had several not-so-bad colds.
  • When he was a baby, Texas had lots of hearing problems and had hearing loss. He also had dysentery for three years.
  • When Texas was 20, which was his worst year in health, he had MRSA, pneumonia, loss of teeth, and a cerebral hemorrhage. The year after that, one of its counties (Roberts County) caught frostbite from having a secret meeting with Alaska.
  • Texas also has toomanycountiesarias, which is what causes a state to have too many counties.
  • Texas’s two biggest ailments are being morbidly obese and severe health problems. We’ve listed so many ailments; we just have to say he had 30 other ailments…

Texas doesn’t really exercise that much, only once a week, and that exercise is just jumping for 30 seconds and sometimes running 0.1 mile. Texas smokes and drinks.

Health Score: 11

Texas has a smoking party with bordering states (though New Mexico doesn’t smoke). Texas thinks it is the best state so it is wearing a badge saying “Best State.” Louisiana has put “LA” in its hair.

#2 Georgia (BMI: 27.1)

Georgia really tries to be healthy, and in the future she’s expected to be healthier.

  • She has some small heart problems, a respiratory failure for 10 seconds, and walking-tabakci (which means you cannot walk fast).
  • Georgia can also get very angry from a disease called dam, which spelled backward is “mad.” For example, if Georgia wanted an apple but we’d run out of apples, Georgia might groan and yell, “Go to the store and buy some apples! And cookies! So go now.”
  • Georgia has also had rabies, pneumonia, flu, and Parkinson’s Disease.

Georgia eats fruit and exercises a lot. Georgia doesn’t smoke. But she might need to do a little bit more stuff to have an okay health.

Health Score: 35

Georgia, Alabama, and South Carolina are arguing. Georgia really wants the others to go to the store to get her more oranges, but the store is all the way up in Michigan and it would take 12 hours to get there, so they say no. Georgia says, “You are so so mean!!!” Alabama replies, “No, you’re mean!!” South Carolina tells Georgia, “You’re so dumb!” Florida loves seeing states argue; this is the best day of her life.

#3 Kansas (BMI: 25.8)

When Kansas was young, she was very healthy. But she was so healthy that she didn’t really have to worry about herself, which caused her to get unhealthy. These days, she smokes a lot. Kansas had a heart attack. She has asthma and terrible grinaphobia. Grinaphobia doesn’t mean you’re afraid of grins, but that you make big and scary grins. Kansas tries not to grin like that, so she only sometimes looks like that.

Health Score: 39

This is Kansas grinning with grinaphobia.

#4 Nebraska (BMI: 25.7)

Nebraska is similar to Kansas and likes to do stuff like Kansas. The reason it’s slightly healthier is because it never had asthma.

Health Score: 40

#5 North Dakota (BMI: 25.1)

North Dakota made it on this list because it’s very sickly and doesn’t do that much about it. For example, it doesn’t take that much medicine, and it once had heart failure for a week. It also has some memory problems.

Health Score: 40.1

Originally published at https://langstonjones.wixsite.com on January 4, 2021.



Langston Jones: Kid Historian

I am an eight year old who’s interested in presidents and history. I’m posting some of my favorite lists for you!